My JMMB Adventure
Watch meh...I doh know how allyuh business people does do it inno. Conducting business locally feels like Sisyphus rolling he big stone up Chancellor or like a Lilliput villager shaving Gulliver’s gyal legs with a tweezers. I went to open a bank account at a certain regional bank...shh "names is for tombstone" (doh watch the title) and it took me almost half the day.
None of allyuh thought to tell me that banks only deal with like 15 people per day for new accounts and it's on a first come first served basis? Foolish me walk into the people establishment, head held high, confident confident at 1pm, only for them to tell me "no big cousin, wah you really telling yourself, we lock off for d day" and watching me like they suspect I "poomed" on entry (which I may or may not have done). At first I thought it was just this bank’s employees that needed a dose of Zentel but I was told all banks conduct it like that now.
I was in such a state of shock I couldn’t even muster a “buh wuh de mudda…” So the next day I went out for dem early. The bank opens at 9am but my tail was in their ample car park at 8am waiting patiently with all the proper documents in hand. Luckily the helpful guard told me I could not go in until 9am so I decided to stay in my car until 8:30am. Were it not for that stroke of sheer brilliance, I may have actually been first in line. The line itself was more of a scribble, a doodle, where people just filed in however they wanted when the doors actually opened.
While in the line I met a man whose sole purpose was to open an account to get a Visa debit card so he could do away with using credit cards. It sounded Ike he had some traumatic experience that left him scarred. Like the time I went to NY for work, tried to check into the fancy hotel they booked for me, only for the hotel to tell me the company didn't pay for my room. Telling me something bout they needed my company card....whose limit by the way could only rent a room at Double Palm for 30 mins....and only if the other party paid half. Homeless in Times Square. Fun times. Sadly for Visa debit card bloke, his documents were not in order so he could not pass ‘GO’ and had to return in ‘the morrow’ because he didn’t have that card from Community Chest.
If you've ever been to this particular bank you know they have a snazzy check-in system where you enter your information and the system sends you WhatsApp messages about where your particular number is in the queue. So what if the estimated wait times aren't accurate...small ting, it looks good and that's what's important right?? I mean...so what if 29 minutes = 45 minutes, time is an abstract concept in a bank anyway. The amount of time it takes to get banking done I think everyone should get like 4 “bank frustration” days as part of their employment contract.
My best advice is to always eat before you to go to the bank and wear clean under garments with no holes, in case you pass out. I'm not sure why I would end up in my drawers if I passed out but that's what my mammy used to say. Hear nah, you could hit your head and end up unconscious, according to old people the paramedics stripping you down to your bloomers. If it wasn't for a certain Client Representative (let's call him Adrian) coming downstairs to help out, allyuh might have seen a story on the news about a grown man lying on the ground in the people bank, going around in circles, throwing a tantrum shouting "ah hungry, ah want to leave!!"
While I enjoyed spending the entire morning trying to open another account just to end up with a $27 balance, I feel they could find a way to allow people to enter all the information in some system/app from home and upload the supporting docs. Then, once they verify the information, they have you sign up the forms and boom!....yuh ready to end up in overdraft. I guess such innovation costs money and they can't really do much with my $27.
I did end up leaving with a brand new account, bank card and online banking already set up, so there’s that.
TANA